Such a Quandary

People keep asking "How in the heck is it that some one like me - who has spent most of her life eating the right foods, and exercising to stay physically fit, and basically possesses no bad habits - ends up being the person with cancer?"

On the most basic level, the sun is to blame since it caused the malignant melanoma I originally developed in 1994.  I could list the traits I possess that made it almost a certainty I would eventually develop skin cancer (FYI - I hit just about every one on the checklist).  The most significant indicator was I was born with a type of birthmark that indicates a tendency for skin cell change called a 'melanocytic nevus'.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Melanocytic_nevus

But why did my melanoma metastasize in a way that is almost statistically impossible?  To discover that I went from a stage one fully treatable and successfully resolved health issue to a stage four recurrence that after ten years was considered 99.9% cured did blow me away.  Remember though, the statistics associated with the rare disease of the nervous system my daughter Kelly developed were equally 'almost impossible' and that still happened.

Upon further discourse, I find what people are really seeking is an explanation that might not actually exist.  Or more importantly, they want an answer that makes them feel better.  It's wonderful to hear they think I am a 'good person' and we all struggle when 'bad things happen to good people'.  Others have expressed frustration that my family 'already took their turn' and we are not in need of an attitude adjustment.

I can think of more than one reason.

Simplistically, I could handle this.  Physically, not everyone could.  Therefore, I have been rewarded for my healthy lifestyle.  Mentally, I am capable.  There is no doubt in this regard as I have already demonstrated my ability to deal.  More importantly, Keith and Melissa have too.  Emotionally, I (and my family) have the support we need. 

How about considering that what we are experiencing is going to impact a significant number of lives.  I can't tell you how many of our friends and relatives are indicating that my situation is causing them to pause and reflect.  Or this has spurred them to take action on things they have been they have been thinking about doing.  This is not a bad thing.

Last but not least, this entire situation has compelled me to start writing.  I have been promising to write for YEARS.  My husband and daughter (and friends and family) always tell me to stop talking about it and just do it already.

Others who have previously expressed "Yes, you should write because you are talented" (and they are not related to me): my high school composition teacher (who tried to encourage me to pursue this in college) and my undergrad writing professor (who could questioned why I was pursuing a business degree).   As recently as this summer, my father showed me things I had written in grade school that my mother had saved all these years and he reminded me that my grade school teacher predicted I would be a writer.

This is not to say I have not spent any time in the last 19 weeks being alternately angry and afraid, questioning or crying, overcome with disbelief and full of apprehension for what lies in wait.  However, eventually all these feelings dissipate and  I FEEL POWERFUL.

Please know that a great deal of what allows me to feel this way has been the support everyone has provided.  It is almost as if someone has been in charge of orchestrating a flow of exactly what I need - a card that makes me laugh out loud, a notice of a mass that insures someone is consistently praying for me, lovely flowers, good food to eat, candles for aroma-therapy or a note that it is so poignant I am truly impressed by the sender.  Mere words can not express my appreciation for how long this has continued.

Here is just one example.  This a graphic that is on display around Melissa's workplace (corporate headquarters for CVS  in Woonsocket, RI) which I believe was create by a co-worker of hers.