Perception Verses Reality

I recently saw pictures that were taken of me by Terese (one of my 5 sisters) while I was in the hospital.  Talk about a revelation.   I am astonished by my appearance.  No wonder my husband and daughter were so upset.  Now that I have seen what they were seeing, I fully comprehend the gravity of my situation from their point of view. Fortunately for them, I looked considerably better as each day passed.

As unfathomable as it sounds, at the time, in my mind, there was no consideration of danger for myself, only concern that I was causing Keith and Melissa a great deal of stress.  I am mystified that I could consciously take actions to protect them but not equate the situation to anything I had to fear.  Here are excerpts from a text I sent to Debbie (Keith's cousin who is a very close friend) on Thursday morning after my body scan was done:

"Keith is beginning to look & sound a little panicky"

"mite need u 2 give my hubby & daughter (melissa flew in this AM) some reassurance so they don't  stroke out on me"

Astoundingly, I was able to exist in two opposing worlds: cognizant of how worried my family was for me (even though I don't recall them being so visibly distressed) but concurrently being almost detached about what was happening to me.  I honestly believe that subconsciously my mind allowed me to self-preserve by blocking out all the "facts" related to my medical crisis: surgical morbidity rates for craniotomies, stage IV brain cancer survival rates, potential side effects of treatment, etc.

Not surprisingly, I was determined to stand up quickly after surgery. They kept telling me no...so I cooked up a little scheme...and it worked! I "relented" and said that instead of standing up, I was willing to settle for a hug from my husband (part of our daily routine is that he hugs me everyday before work). For those of you that know Keith, hugging him requires standing up! I expected that to make him feel better. Little did I know that it would cause Keith to crumble slightly.  Of course my daughter then inquired if she was chopped liver and wondered if I minded hugging her also - which allowed us to chuckle a little which was good.  Isn't it amazing how humor is such good medicine?